word vomit

that hollow feeling does nothing but grow as i become certain that you do hate me.
that other one might hate me as well.
barely looked at me, just kept going.

and the more i think about it, the more i begin to hate myself as well.
all of this time, i've been working against the hate.
i can't keep this diet going, and yet i hate my body.
i hate my style.
i've been avoiding mirrors.
i've never felt so ugly, inside and out.
i hate that i can't see the bigger picture
i hate that i am so self-absorbed
i hate that i lack self-confidence. oh the irony.
i hate that i can't change anything. i can't get myself to do it. and when i want to, it all comes tumbling down.
every. fucking. time.
i can't get out of this hole, i really can't, i've been trying to for years and it's too hard. i try and try and try and try, harder and harder and harder and harder and HARDER. and i know i'll try again. because i'm still hoping that for once, it might-
no.
i just hate myself.
i can't help it.
i've been avoiding mirrors
because i'm afraid i'll break them
with my fists.

out of context:
i also hate that people hate on emos. honestly, they might be truly sad and may be going through things you can't even begin to understand. trust me. i've been "emo"tional many a time, especially back in junior high. didn't dress the part, no. the music? yes. but i had my reasons. and the cutting thing? for attention? no. not at all. i know why they do it. the pain. because once you reach that hollow state of empty hopelessness and anger and frustration and so much hate, you just want to erase it, and nothing can erase it, so there's always pain.

now, don't think i do this. i've punched a wall. that's about it. i don't believe in doing it. i just know that when i punched that wall, i never felt so alive.

see, now, i'm looking back and wanting to erase all of this. go on a little masquerade. but i won't, i need to just... this is my outlet. i don't even care what you think (no, i do, obviously).
i'm going to look at this after posting, and think: you're being irrational. you have an amazing life, with amazing people. what the hell is wrong with you, why can't you be satisfied? it's not fair. focus on the positive, focus on the positive, focus on the positive. HA-
i live each day, and finish each day, and when the day comes to an end and i get to sleep, i am at peace. i shouldn't be feeling this, i have no reason to feel this, not really, take control of yourself.

i don't know what to do anymore, i don't know
i fail at life.
(note the lack of sarcasm)