listening?

One.
live on a ranch. or else own a horse. or else am able to settle somewhere, with the time and the money, so as to be able to take riding lessons once again. i sincerely miss my equestrian days, and feel as if i gave up on a part of myself.

Two.
roadtrip. for at least a year and up to an unlimited amount of time; all depending on where life will lead me. i will not remain in one area, will be living in an RV or will travel in a car, whether young or old or both. preferrably with someone.

Three.
write a novel. it's been a childhood dream of mine. i am afraid it might be dying. it seems i've lost all will or ability to do it, or something.. i just can't quite figure out what it is. i want it back.

Four.
have someone disprove my paranoïa and i, and show me that true infallible love exists for someone like me. so that it may be felt in both cases; not by just the one. for that key realization which will alter my perception of my surrounding world.. which will result in my completion?

Five.
ride the craziest rollercoaster i can find. there are no boundaries. or else do something crazy, like go sky-diving and parachuting. i like to defy odds, and other things. i enjoy the rush, the feeling, the fear? god, i'm weird.

Six.
get my driver's license, and own my own "baby." i really do get personally attached to the vehicles in my life. don't even think about judging me. preferrably a '67 impala ;) HA, yeah... no, but really, i do like me some muscle. if not.. a truck.

Seven.
learn how to shoot a gun, and spend some time at a shooting range (more than once if needed). i know i've mentioned this beforehand. it's just part of things i'd like to learn. ie: i'd love to learn how to play an instrument, or take up the ol' tenor saxophone or the drums once again.

Eight.
abandon the trauma. i want to forget how to hate. particularly myself. all those feelings that scare me and hinder me, i want to leave it all behind.

Nine.
i really would like to not die a virgin? or green in any sense? as i still am at this precise moment? i do have that tape rolling in my head, same song, over and over: neverbeenkissedneverbeenkissedneverbeenkissed.
(it is a song, by the way, look for 'er)
though technically, i have - just not 'for real.' something that isn't a dare (or just a little pec). 'ow do you say? make out? oui oui. what the 'ell is dat? i'm afraid i do not know.

Ten.
find that meaning -- that purpose in my life, and that i may realize it as it stands before me. or at least before i die. if not, i hope that it may have existed.