don't wake me up

i know it.
i hope i do, anyway.
at least, in that moment, i knew.

he remembers me.
i can tell.

i know it
especially when our eyes meet. oh those beautiful blue eyes.. how they captivate me. it's irrational, i know, i feel so incredibly stupid.. and scared. and yet i am drawn to them, to him. i'm flustered. there is no better word to describe how i feel. he is "my brand of heroin." i'm also fueled by some kind of irrepressible hope that he gets that same high i do every time our paths cross. that inexplainable high. how could he? we are but strangers. i am not even sure of his name, although a friend is positive she does know who he is solely by my description. and that guitar case he carries around. this is the fifth time we run into each other.

the first time,
near the stairs. we were walking in opposite directions. i had so many things on my mind. at that time, i was lost. in thought, in life, whatever. i don't even know. who ever does? and then i was distracted. he broke through my walls within seconds, broke my concentration, crossed the barrier into my world. love at first sight? nah. maybe not. definitely interest. or something beyond. it was insane. i turned my head to look at him, at the same time as he did to look at me (oureyesmet). stared. he smiled. i smiled. we walked. i brushed it off. a bit flustered. confused. thoughts racing. acceleration of the heart. weird. never happened before, no matter how cute the guy, 'twas really a first.

the second time,
same day.
he was sitting on a couch among friends, playing his guitar, singing along.. i couldn't help but glance from my table. once, i thought he caught my gaze. i might have imagined it. i looked away. i quite enjoyed the music... it eased my studying.

the third time,
i know he didn't see me. but i did see him, in his suit, at the ball. hoped he would see me, but he was too far. i began to accept that he would drift away, as they always do, all those moments. i never really thought any of this would go further, and that it was all in my head. hallucinations. the increasing pessimism towards life and low sense of self really helped develop those notions.

the fourth time,
i was walking towards that building (alwaysthesameone). my hands were full. coffee, bag of food, purse, school bag.. a burden of items. i didn't think i would be able to open the door, and wasn't sure about any "wheelchair buttons" being present. as i arrived, the door suddenly opened. one by button. the other by man. those eyes. first thing i noticed. then the smile. not sure if my jaw dropped. i was the epitome of shocked. i was mesmerized, actually. i suddenly realized i was staring, half-frozen and barely walking, and then dropped my gaze (glancing up a few times) and mumbled a thanks, smiling... i couldn't bring myself to say anything else. besides, it was just in passing, right? then why do i keep remembering him, so focused, everyone else a steady blurr.

the fifth time,
today. i didn't even think i would see him so soon back from christmas break. i was walking to that building, to meet a friend and have coffee. he was just walking right up to me. big smile on his face. actually, more of a smirk. a teasing smirk. i wasn't even sure it was him. i hadn't even noticed it was him until he "casually", or you know, purposely, stepped in my way. i thought nothing of it at first, even though i was immediately flustered that it was him again. i thought it was an accident. i wasn't even really in his way. i'd already moved to the left to give him space long before he'd stepped in my way. and he followed me to the left, then the right. our eyes met again. i laughed, or giggled, whatever, and had the goofiest smile on my face. i'm sure i was blushing by then.

and i didn't say anything. dumbstruck. kept walking. am i that paranoid, that i can't even strike up a conversation with someone who was being that obvious? it's like i won't allow myself to believe. i still have trouble believing. i want to meet him again. say hello. ask his name, get coffee, something. i have to try, especially when that person has me so flustered. my heart was pounding for hours afterwards. the world was blurred yet again. i felt disoriented. scared and thrilled at the same time. wanting to see him again, correct my mistake, but afraid to, not quite sure how to NOT sound stupid.

afraid to face reality.
afraid to crush that hope i haven't felt in so long.
afraid to leave behind the perfection of each of those wordless moments,
when my hopes perfect the hidden reality..

if that makes any sense at all.
... hopefully.