que sera, sera

whatever will be, will be!

at least for a while.
until it becomes something else.
it just will, and i'm alright with that.

i can't help but break into song every time that thought ever comes to mind. all of those worries, and i just waste away. but waste away no more, because if i deal with those "ifs," they may kill me.

if i get a passing grade on those essays
if i find that place
that apartment for next year
that space which needs to be filled
if i get stuck here
if they understand
if i know love
if i find love
if i find life
if i found life?

it all just doesn't matter, really! because i may, or i may not, and that's it. end of story. i can't change that, so all i have left is the now. and right now, i love my friends. i know i can look forward to them, especially when i can't look forward to anything else without the dread. they make life worth living! i'm actually fairly excited about eating chinese with them fellers'! everything i think of them, i just feel something inside me burst into sunshine and rainbows. all that kid stuff i keep forgetting. some sort of peace. also some sort of pride that they're MY friends; that i am friends with the highest of cool, the kindest and most caring, and the most intriguing individuals one could ever meet. they really are the epitome of 'friend' and what the word should really mean. they know how to be perfect in imperfection. wow, that sounds odd. but i mean what i say, they are perfect for me. i love what they think are flaws. i hate that they think they are flawed. they are perfect as who they are, and i wouldn't have them any other way. i love them! i don't think i could ever handle losing them. i know they'll move on with their lives and whatnot, change in the face of LIFE(danger!?). however, i know i'll still hold them dear, no matter what they become - they'll still be who they are.

okay, enough with the sentimental. i just wanted to let you all in on my new revelations! also, i just needed to get this through. i can't usually verbalize emotions like that. those words don't even have the amount of meaning i want them to have. gotta try, though! i can't just sit and wait, without trying (or living).

speaking of a lack of living..

i've finished all my essays, except for that one. that one doesn't count. i'm glad i have the time to relax. the muscles in my shoulders are tense from hours upon hours of countless words typed at my desk. they're all useless to me now. funny, some days i just don't give any value to academic work. it just doesn't always feel right... or important? and yet, i just deprived myself of sleep over it. oh well, that's just another one of those ifs! they really do consume you.

so i'll leave those ifs behind.
if they catch up with me,
oh well
i'll just move on and keep moving, or else i'll knock 'em down.
or find comfort in the things that are.
i won't let them get to me (don'tletmegetme)
so i'll stop there. no more ifs. except that one.

but that one doesn't count.