and it felt like... something was gripping my throat

i think i just died a little on the inside.
(justalittle?)
was it just?

who the fuck knows what justice really is. honestly. you think you fucking know, and you don't.
because life is not just. life is life, it comes and it goes; and most times
you are but a lonely figure stuck between a rock and a hard place.
no where to turn no where to turn no where t-to run
it follows you, it overpowers you, it overtakes you
it does nothing but take, take, take, TAKE from you - everything you have built will eventually crumble to pieces...

how was i to know what to say? i was being rational (ihatethisworld).
i was struggling, as always. it was what had become of our lives, and thus it had to manifest itself in speech. a constant struggle.
just to speak to you. for you to speak to me.
just to see you. for you to see me.
and now this.
how can she even look at me anymore,
let alone speak to me.

you hate me.

this hurts. i didn't want it to come to this. this hurts this hurts this hurts this hurts how many times can i tell you until you feel it can you feel it i know she can't and i can't feel hers

that's the problem. she belongs to some distant land. and i've lost all ability to feel.

i miss her already. i've been missing her for months. but now i've truly lost her.
i think i might vomit.
i don't understand, i can't think anymore.
i don't know what to blame.
i don't know.
i want to disappear,
erase erase erase ERASE.
please...
GOD DAMN IT I HATE GOD DAMN IT.
i want it back, all of it back, all of last year back, when we were three and not 2+1.
when things were not so complicated. when we were not all so isolated.
when we could talk. when we were so alike. when we had something. when it was simple.
to think that all that pain has escalated rather than diminished.
i just want to rewind, and take everything back. everything that has done harm.
everything i have said. everything i have felt. everything i have done.
if i could, i would take myself back.
and you would never have met me.
and i would have never caused you such harm.
and i would have never felt

never. not for my own selfish self... or for.. that one.

and i would..

.. but i'll never get it back.