nothing i could say to change that part

it starts like it always does.
but really,
the urge never does go away.
just a little stumble, all it takes, and i don't want to (i'mnotallowedto,ihavenorightto,takeyourplaceSHUTUP) but i do,
i can't stop myself, it builds,
the world looms, the words crowd,
i want (noyoudon't) i want (noyoudon't)
i need to (walkthisworldalone)
have
feel
freely feel
feel free
to SCREAM
and then i retreat(tiedtogetherwithasmile)
into nothing.

i can't stop building those walls anymore. they've begun to layer. i can't even see (whati'mdoing) anymore. i want people to see(me). i've tried to break them. i want to break them. but the rubble accumulates, and a few rockslides later, i'm back to where i started. i've become accustomed to taming my yearnings, to drowning my feelings, to being alone (you'renotalone,youhavefamilyfriends,itsallthatmatters,right?)
to the point that i don't know what i want anymore.
because everytime i want something, it just can't be had (becauseitsme,impossible)
and that's when i get frustrated,
the hate flows, the anger (holdbackthosetears-nevernevercry)
uncontrollable
but you can't know, i can't let you be ruined (likeme)
always that one place i can direct it to
(uglyfatshortboringtooshyunintelligiblejustafriendordinaryunfocuseduninterestingnoonewantstoknownevertries)
that place is bottomless
i always fall back into that hole i dug myself years and years ago
in those days.
i keep climbing back out. because i have to, they tell me. and then i fall back in.
sometimes i wonder if it's even worth coming out of, if all i have to do is go back.

i don't know. that's just it. i don't know
what to do anymore, what to say, what to think- so i don't.
most days, i'm okay.
i have to be (whycan'tibe)
for you
to make a difference (ineedthatchange)
other days,
i'd rather just fade away into some irrational world
like those on TV (pleasetakemeaway)
maybe then i'll have the stability i need.

and then the episode ends.